Confessions of a Cereal Killer

- 8 min read -

cerealkiller_clownI can’t take it anymore.

I have to tell someone.

All of you.

All these years have passed and no one has suspected the atrocities I’ve committed.

I tried leaving clues for the police, but no one figured it out. I made phone calls. Sent letters to the papers. Even posted a few random bulletins on web sites across the globe. Still, no one has suspected what hungers I’ve satisfied in horrible ways.

Maybe no one cares.

Maybe our country is so jaded and everyone just lives for themselves that when such horrible acts are committed people just shrug their shoulders and wait for whatever comes next.

I am a Cereal Killer, and it hasn’t been easy.


It took a lot of preparation for each victim I chose. And it couldn’t be just ANY victim. I preferred the most high profile ones I could.

As for how I get rid of them? I just eats ’em, of course and then grind up the remains that aren’t edible and throw them in the trash. Nobody digs through the trash anymore. Not in Arkansas.

What’s most amazing to me, of course, is that EACH victim I chose was replaced with an imposter and they covered my deeds so the public never knew the difference!

THIS INFURIATED ME and drove me to more vicious acts of desperation to get noticed.

But it has been years, and I must cleanse my soul of these deeds. Herein lies my confession and proof that I did, indeed, kill over and over again…without any recognition or fanfare.

The List of the Dead

I started small. With one of the most obscure of victims…

kingvitamin_1King Vitamin

Such a smug little man with delusions of granduer. Always strutting around the castle gates holding his huge staff for all to see. And although he WAS chocked full of 100% of the daily recommended about of vitamins and iron, I couldn’t let him carry on his pompous reign.

And herein lay the FIRST witnessing of corporate America fooling of the public. They replaced the sniviling little toad with one of the most gigantic headed individuals I ever saw! Just LOOK at his psychotic eyes, and crazy eyebrows! AND THE AMERICAN PUBLIC SAID NOTHING!



I was a little dejected after this first one. So I thought of changing to a different, higher profile target. I was going to be challenging, but I knew I could pull it off.

I went after that clown…

ronald_mcdonald_1Ronald McDonald!

But guess what happened!!!??? Not only did they replace him with an imposter clown, they decided to REALLY confuse the public by allowing many people to dress as the missing original Ronald McDonald. For better P.R. you say! NO!!! WRONG!! It was to confuse any further kidnappings. Not only that, but they started adding all sorts of crazy characters! Hamburgler. Mayor McCheese, French Fry guys, Birdy, the sexy pilot and even the completely non-descript purple Grimace!

Now…here I am, looking for victims to devour and they are practically creating a buffet of characters to munch on! Fries! Huge burger-headed Mayors and a sexy plump and juicy bird!?



What a coward! Look at him hiding amongst the other characters! A side note. It was with Ronald McDonald I decided to go back to being a Cereal Killer and not just a Character Assassin.

As I ate him, that clown just tasted…funny.


I won’t bore you with all the sordid details of picking my other victims or describe how they met their demise as I smothered each and every one of them under rich thick whole milk and my sharpened spoon. But I will show you the original victim and one of their ‘replacements.’


Cap’n Crunch

Look at the Original Cap’n:


And then the horrible impersonator



Count Chocula

He was a little tougher. Already being dead and all. But you can see a definite difference in the ‘Counts.’


and the crazy eyed ‘replacement’:



Lucky the Leprechaun

He was a fiesty little psychotic little imp.


I actually grew fond of HIS replacement.



Silly Rabbit

He was fairly easy. As they reproduce so fast, his replacement came quickly.
My victim:


and, again, I grew fond of the replacement. He just seemed more…animated.



Toucan Sam

I always thought SOMEONE would have suspected such a difference in THIS icon’s demise:


but apparently not:


NOTE: I believe a copycat must have taken out the “Toucan Sam” above. See what you think of the latest image of the “replacement” and be the judge:



Tony The Tiger (and Tony Jr.)

One of my highest profile icons. But, again, no one noticed the difference. I think it’s beyond obvious myself.




There are about 6 more victims I devoured over the years, but I am bored with my confession now. Suffice to say that I went through a “Kellog’s” period where I devoured the Rice Krisipies Elves, Dig ’em the Sugar Smacks Frog, Crazy Sonny the Cocoa Puffs Bird, and even Sugar Bear (though, really, his was a mercy killing.)

ricekrispies digum crazy_sonny sugar_bear

My actions haven’t gone completely unnoticed. Occasionally, if you pay CLOSE attention, you’ll see an icon suddenly change. More than likely a copycat Cereal Killer (as I have been in retirement for a while).

While this has been my confession of my sins, I’m not saying I’ll never return to my old ways.

But for now, my appetite is satisfied.

Pray that it stays that way.


Thanks to for storehousing the faces of the dead. Most images are from that web site, as I lost all my ‘trophy’ photos when my house burned a few years back.

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